Where did the time go?

When I picked up 5 year-old M.C. at pre-school today, a little girl came up to me and announced that "M.C. has a girlfriend". I turned to my little son for more information, and he emphatically stated, "NO!" I turned back to the cute little source of news, and she told me very seriously, "Well, that's what ______ (a cute little classmate - I won't name her) said!" I said, "Ah, I see".

I remembered back to this morning when I brought him in late after his doctor's appointment. The little girl in question had followed him to the Lego table and they sat together. She leaned into his face and said very happily, "You remember me?" Which struck me as adorably odd (since they see each other 3 times a week) until I received this interesting news.

After pre-school I took my young son out to lunch because he had been very brave through his wellness check and 4 shots this morning. Who should pull into the parking lot after us, but the little girl that the class journalist had named as my son's girlfriend. She and her mom had lunch a few tables away, with both kids shyly smiling and occasionally saying "hi". It was quite obvious that my son's "NO!" had more to do with his fear of his older siblings finding out, than about his true feelings for his cute classmate. I realized our lunch was almost a date, and that my role as the primary female in his life may be coming to an abrupt and early end. Wow, they grow up fast!

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

This quote has been on our fridge for so long, I actually can't remember it not being there. I tore it out of a foster parent newsletter years ago. I love it, especially on those hard days when it seems like we aren't making any difference. Enjoy...

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I wanted to
paint another one.
I saw you feed a stray cat, and I thought it was good to be
kind to animals.
I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I knew that little things
are special things.
I felt you kiss me good night, and I felt loved.
I saw tears in your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt,
but it's alright to cry.
I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything I could be.
When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked...
and I wanted to say thanks for all the things I saw when you thought
I wasn't looking.

--Author Unknown

Remember Who You Wanted To Be

No trip news, except that I am trying to learn Amharic. I am working through "Amharic the EZ Way". So far I can't figure out anything easy about it!

I thought I would post something that I wrote recently for our church devotional. As I wrote it, I decided to take my own words seriously, and that's when I decided to take this trip to Ethiopia. Here you go...

A Christ Given To The Culture

Matthew 3:13-17
And a voice from heaven said, "This is my son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased."

God is pleased with Jesus even before He has done any of the amazing things yet to come. Does God love each of us in the same way, or were His words only meant for Jesus? Well, we know that despite His love and approval of Christ, He allowed His son to die for the sins of you and me. This has to reflect how deeply God loves each of us.

This love means that there is nothing that we can do tomorrow that will make our Father love us any more than He does at this moment. His love is already here. Despite any sin, tragedy, abuse or bad decision in our past, He loves us today as He did at our birth.

There is a bumper sticker in my town that reads "Remember Who You Wanted to Be". I think this is a question we need to ask ourselves. What do we do with this love God has for us, and who did He intend for each of us to be?

Looking at Christ's life should give us some clues on who we are to be. His disciples were all different, and they made mistakes often. They don't appear to be any more gifted, intelligent, or spiritual than any of us. What stands out about them is that they were WILLING to follow and learn from Jesus, and then to lead when He asked them. Is that true for you and me? Are we willing?

Christ cared about people. He talks continuously about the poor and vulnerable. Most of his miracles had to do with physical or spiritual healing. He spent most of his ministry traveling and touching the lives of strangers.

There is a whole world waiting for God's people to move. Access to vaccines, simple healthcare, food, and clean water would prevent most of the world's physical and emotional pain. Millions of children are growing up on their own, if they get to grow up at all. Are we willing?

Closer to home, strangers are the ones who need God's people to move. Kids need tutors, mentors, foster homes, relationships. Parents need support. People face homelessness, addiction, violence, and pain every day.
Are we willing?

Where we find Christ, there we should be also.
Are you WILLING?

Here Am I ... Send Me

I temporarily "retired" last spring to begin a very necessary time of healing from over 10 years of traumatic work with survivors of sexual and domestic violence, and then troubled and homeless youth and their families. But I haven't been just sitting around pondering life, faith, pain, and God's work in it all. My husband and I have also been foster parents off and on for the last 7 years, so I am home with our current 5 kids ages: 6, 6, 5, 3, 1. Yikes!!!! I spent last evening helping our 16 month-old get 11 stitches in his chin. It was the first time all 4 older kids were good at the same time at an appointment. (I'm thankful for small miracles around here!)

A year ago, I couldn't have told you what a blog was. But since I don't have much time to read these days, blogs became a way for me to ponder and feel connected to souls that struggle with the same questions I do. Questions of global poverty, disease, orphans, war & violence, refugees, attachment & adoption, revolutionary faith, global warming, and the responsibility of God's people in a hurting world. Through other people's thoughts, I find I am not alone in my restlessness.

I long for the day that we are ready to adopt internationally, and those of you who have shared your joy, struggle, and kids with humor and honesty have sustained me in my waiting... I wish I could thank you all! At best, hopefully I can encourage a few here with my journey.

MY NEWS:

I am going to Ethiopia! I am joining a team of 15 people through Hearts of Hope Adoption Ministry in Wisconsin - a great ministry that has already been working to help the kids of 2 of the orphanages we are going to: Layla House and AHOPE. We are traveling to Addis Ababa on March 29 to take orphanage supplies, work, and encourage the staff and kids of these amazing places!

This will be my first trip of this sort in 11 years! It has been too long for someone who intended to be a missionary way back when. This is an area that we hope to adopt from in the next couple of years. I am also considering a graduate counseling program specializing in international development, so who knows? (If you haven't heard, I decided to decline my acceptance to the UW Social Work program in the spirit of trying to keep our responsibilities manageable, and to make sure I am choosing the right program for where I'm at in life). Maybe this is the first door to what Chris and I once hoped to do...

So if you'd like to hear more about this trip, check back here!

Left Here For Something More

Yesterday was my son M.C.’s 5^th birthday. He woke up to 4 inches of snow, and was very sure that it was God’s present to him! He got to celebrate with his friends at pre-school. Then he and I got to trek through the snow with our loyal collie/lab (our husky was inside since she doesn’t like to be cold!??) It was fun to spend time with him on our special day. I say “our” because I think birthdays are for moms too.

5 years ago, after another of my infamously long labors, our very large, beautiful boy was born. Unfortunately my body was tired out by then. Everything started going downhill for me. I didn’t get scared until I really looked at my midwife’s face and saw how intense she was. Everything seemed to happen in slow-motion. The medical staff stopped talking to me, as they worked to stop the bleeding and save my life. I looked over at Chris holding our new baby, and a sense of peace washed over me like I’ve never experienced before or since. I felt a release in my heart – like a letting go of Chris, my 21 month-old son, this new baby we hadn’t yet named, and of everything else that is part of my life. It is impossible to explain this experience, really. But as I passed out from blood loss, I felt that Jesus was coming to get me, and that I was okay with that, and ready to go. He didn’t come, or rather He didn’t take me that day. My midwife and the hospital staff made sure of that. I came back to this world, and my life, but I have never been the same. I had a new urgency in my heart. My work wasn’t enough anymore, and I felt that I was left here for something more.

In the next few days I spent time with my new son, but it would take 6 months before I was back to normal, physically. My nurse during the birth told me that a couple of days before, she had told her supervisor that she would like some critical care experience, not knowing what I would bring to her life 3 days later. My midwife was also affected. She came to sit with me later and told me that only about 50 years ago they wouldn’t have had the techniques to save me. I realized after she left that TODAY in so much of the world, I would not have survived.

It was the first time that I thought about international adoption in a personal way. I realized how unfair it was that my son would get to grow up with his birth mom simply because of an excellent hospital, when so many children lose their mothers every day. A growing sense of responsibility was planted that day. I do not feel “blessed” that I lived, when in other parts of the world, childbirth carries one of the highest mortality rates for women. I feel a sense of responsibility. That because I lived, I need to do something for the women and children who don’t have the “right” to the medical care we enjoy and expect. God doesn’t love Americans more. He doesn’t love me more. But maybe He leaves a few down here in privileged countries to do some important work for people everywhere else.

M.C. is funny, creative, loving, and challenging (out of all the kids we’ve had in our home he has made me question the saying “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” more than a few times). His birthday continues to be a reminder to me that God expects some things of me. I guess I am still trying to figure out what that means…

The Difference

I hope my heart always remains willing to go and do what I'm asked to impact this hurting world.

For most of our lives, when people find out something about my husband or me, they say something like:
"it takes a special person..."
"you must really like what you do..."
"I don't know how you do it..."
"well, I sure couldn't do it.."
or even "I'm glad that isn't my calling..."

They may be referring to any one of the things that we have done with our lives:
- my work with survivors of violence - especially sexual violence
- his work with severely emotionally disturbed kids in a day treatment setting
- working with tough youth and their (sometimes tougher) families
- working in a group home with adults with disabilities
- being a foster parent
- parenting kids with extra needs
- driving a mini-van full of kids
- juggling work and kids (and all their appointments!)
- wanting to adopt a child who is different in ethnicity, culture & nationality
or anything else that makes the life we have chosen different from lots of people we know and love. For years, the only response that seemed to come to either one of us was to smile in uncomfortable acceptance that we are different, while inside we wanted to say "well someone has to!".

All of us have gifts, skills and experiences to use. All of us. Those of us who choose a "different" path are no better, blessed, worthy, or prepared than anyone else. The only difference is we are willing... And God meets us on the path.

"For I have set the Lord always before me, because He is at my right hand I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:8

I know I am not alone with this restlessness to impact my community, country, and world - to touch people with Christ's love. It encourages me to know others who feel a similar call to roll up their sleeves and get a little dirty. I wish there was a way to find all of the other willing hearts out there.

I invite you to share a bit of my journey...

This blog is dedicated to all of the blog writers who have unknowingly encouraged me in my quest to find my place in the world.
We are not alone!