This week was so busy. We had 4 doctor's appointments in addition to the rest of our life. E.R. is blooming more every day. She has new words almost by the hour. She sings a lot. She is definitely screaming more than last week, but only when it is time to go to bed. She is slowly accepting "no" from me a little better as time goes on.
She is so quickly becoming a member of our family. And so much of it is by her initiation. We really thought she was going to be this quiet, solemn little girl that would take months to coax out of her shell. She is so different than we pictured. After clearing up her ear infections, she has become this truly joyful, funny, loud, gutsy little girl, who seems to truly LIKE all of us - even the pets. Chris and I have been shocked by how quickly we have all bonded to each other. I know people have been praying for us - for that specifically.
Last week I was with E.R. and J.T. in their room. They have a window that overlooks our neighborhood, and we have lots of kids on our street. It was a warm day and the kids were all out and we could hear them from inside. E.R. crawled over to the window and pulled herself up. She fell, so I helped prop her up against a little table. She peeked out over the windowsill to try to see the kids.
I watched her standing there and felt the tears start to fall. I realized that this is how her life has always been. - Watching the other kids do what she can't quite do. She tries so hard to get around and do what everyone else is doing. Walking for her is so much more difficult than anyone around her. She falls a lot. But she never complains, and never seems to notice that others have it easier. I sat there watching her and realized that if she wasn't here in America, in our family, this would most likely always be her life. Watching from the window. I knew that in my head while we waited for her, and it was a big reason why we chose to adopt her. But now that I know her, and see her personality, it hits me in a different way.
I grieved for days last November when we were considering her referral and found out that she would need an amputation. This is a decision I had never considered needing to make. I grieved again not very long before Chris went to get her as I began making her medical appointments. I wanted so much to be able to fix her foot so that she could keep it. I was praying about it one day - and I could picture two different girls. One girl was running, playing sports, walking with her friends. The other was laying in a bed, unable to walk or go to school, while her mom said, "she is very happy with her life." I realized that God wants me to be the mom of the first girl. To make sure that she has every chance at this life. Nothing should hold this little girl back. He has big plans for her, and her prosthetic foot may or may not be part of what she will do in life, but it will be part of her and her story.
That day at the window, I picked her up and we walked outside. She was soon surrounded by neighbor kids who wanted to meet her. She seemed to glow in their attention. E.R. is now part of our family. She will grow and learn and make her mistakes with us on the inside of that window, and we will be the foundation she needs to walk outside, tall and strong, to be surrounded by all that God has planned for her. I am so humbled that we get to be her family.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Day 14 - 6/5
Today G.J. stayed home from school until he could get into the doctor. Unfortunately I couldn't get an appt. until the afternoon which meant I would have all 4 kids.
The longer E.R. has been here the more we notice how much she needs routine and order in her life. She is so bright, that she picks up things immediately. And then expects them to be the same. The example for today was this morning. She cried when Chris left, which she almost always does. Chris took M.C. to school. He usually takes both boys with him, but this morning she didn't seem to notice G.J. wasn't with them. Then a little later, she walked into the living room and saw G.J. on the couch. She became very serious and walked up to him. She leaned her face into his and spoke to him seriously in Amharic. I thought she was sort of saying "good morning". But then she grabbed hold of his shirt and started pulling him, as if to pull him off the couch. She pointed to the window which looks out over the driveway and seemed to be ordering him to go to school! She knew he did not belong on the couch while M.C. was at school! So funny.
G.J.'s appt. went well. I held J.T. and E.R. rode in a single stroller by herself for the first time. She did great. I think she was very relieved to realize that she got to sit safely in there the whole time while G.J. was up on the exam bed. She chattered away. She was a bit nervous when G.J. had to use a nebulizer, but handled it well. We were there for a long time, and we were all definitely ready to go home by the end.
I got to take M.C. to his game tonight while Chris stayed home with the other kids. It was nice to have a break with just him. I've been feeling a bit better today, so I was able to enjoy his game without my eyes and nose running the whole time.
The longer E.R. has been here the more we notice how much she needs routine and order in her life. She is so bright, that she picks up things immediately. And then expects them to be the same. The example for today was this morning. She cried when Chris left, which she almost always does. Chris took M.C. to school. He usually takes both boys with him, but this morning she didn't seem to notice G.J. wasn't with them. Then a little later, she walked into the living room and saw G.J. on the couch. She became very serious and walked up to him. She leaned her face into his and spoke to him seriously in Amharic. I thought she was sort of saying "good morning". But then she grabbed hold of his shirt and started pulling him, as if to pull him off the couch. She pointed to the window which looks out over the driveway and seemed to be ordering him to go to school! She knew he did not belong on the couch while M.C. was at school! So funny.
G.J.'s appt. went well. I held J.T. and E.R. rode in a single stroller by herself for the first time. She did great. I think she was very relieved to realize that she got to sit safely in there the whole time while G.J. was up on the exam bed. She chattered away. She was a bit nervous when G.J. had to use a nebulizer, but handled it well. We were there for a long time, and we were all definitely ready to go home by the end.
I got to take M.C. to his game tonight while Chris stayed home with the other kids. It was nice to have a break with just him. I've been feeling a bit better today, so I was able to enjoy his game without my eyes and nose running the whole time.
Day 13 - 6/4
Today, E.R., J.T. and I took the boys to school as usual. Later we picked up M.C. from kindergarten and headed over to Chris' parents' house, where my sister and brother-in-law were planning to watch M.C. and E.R for me. I had a doctor's appointment that wasn't appropriate to have the older kids at. It was the first time I've left E.R. with anyone other than Chris. Fortunately they have been here since she came home, so she knows them pretty well.
I stayed with them for about an hour and a half, and then said "Good-bye". E.R. cried hard, but apparently stopped a few minutes after I left. She was fine the rest of the time. But when I came back, she didn't want much to do with me. She wouldn't look at me, and didn't seek me out. We loaded up and headed over to get G.J. from school. E.R. was asleep when we got home, so I put her down for her nap. It was so nice not to have to go through her screaming routine before falling asleep!
There was a message from our pediatric office that E.R.'s very last stool sample came back positive for girardia! I was pretty surprised. Of course girardia is very common in Ethiopia, but she hasn't really had any symptoms. We thought we were safe after her first set of samples. So she will start an anti-biotic this weekend now for that.
When she woke up she was very angry with me for about 45 minutes. She wouldn't smile or interact with me at all. After I fed her a snack at the table she warmed up, and by dinner seemed more like her usual self.
Around dinnertime we had a freaky storm hit us. Huge wind gusts, and even some funnel clouds were seen in our area. The kids ran outside to enjoy the strong winds. Almost immediately, G.J. began to have a major allergy attack. He never had allergies before we moved to Oregon. This is the second one he has had. So he was on Benedryl all night, and not able to sleep at all. The poor kid was absolutely miserable.
E.R. had a good evening, and seemed worried about G.J. - who looked terrible...
I stayed with them for about an hour and a half, and then said "Good-bye". E.R. cried hard, but apparently stopped a few minutes after I left. She was fine the rest of the time. But when I came back, she didn't want much to do with me. She wouldn't look at me, and didn't seek me out. We loaded up and headed over to get G.J. from school. E.R. was asleep when we got home, so I put her down for her nap. It was so nice not to have to go through her screaming routine before falling asleep!
There was a message from our pediatric office that E.R.'s very last stool sample came back positive for girardia! I was pretty surprised. Of course girardia is very common in Ethiopia, but she hasn't really had any symptoms. We thought we were safe after her first set of samples. So she will start an anti-biotic this weekend now for that.
When she woke up she was very angry with me for about 45 minutes. She wouldn't smile or interact with me at all. After I fed her a snack at the table she warmed up, and by dinner seemed more like her usual self.
Around dinnertime we had a freaky storm hit us. Huge wind gusts, and even some funnel clouds were seen in our area. The kids ran outside to enjoy the strong winds. Almost immediately, G.J. began to have a major allergy attack. He never had allergies before we moved to Oregon. This is the second one he has had. So he was on Benedryl all night, and not able to sleep at all. The poor kid was absolutely miserable.
E.R. had a good evening, and seemed worried about G.J. - who looked terrible...
Monday, June 8, 2009
Day 12 - 6/3
I've been sick all week, and today I felt terrible! My eyes and nose are runny, and I've been having bad headaches, which I don't get very often. I tried to take it easy today, resting and catching up on house stuff. E.R. and J.T. worked at keeping my attention, of course. They actually alternate pretty well. She needs me while he's sleeping, and he is fussy, when she is content. But that means that I don't get much of a break. Ever.
E.R. is totally okay with the pets now. In fact, she came to get me, very excited, and led me to her room. We got down on the floor and looked under her crib. She kept saying, "Killy, killy", and wagging her fingers. One of the cats was asleep (or pretending to sleep) under there. E.R. was very excited, and checked under her crib every 15 minutes or so until the cat left.
She is also great with the dogs now. Our blind dog doesn't seem to know we've added another kid, but E.R. can say her name now, and doesn't appear scared at all. She has started to call our other dog Kaia, "ka-ka" - which means poop. I'm not sure if that is just the closest she can pronounce her name, or if she really thinks we've been calling our dog "poop" all this time. That would explain the funny looks, and not wanting the dog to touch her. Kaia is our dog that always sits under the highchair for meals. She is uncanny at picking out which kid is most likely to spill the most food. E.R. now doesn't mind if Kaia is under her seat, and I caught her tossing a few noodles over her seat to the dog today. That cemented their relationship for life.
Chris stayed home this evening with the younger three while I took G.J. to his game. I was pretty sick, but actually got to just sit and relax while I watched him play, which was nice. Hopefully Chris enjoyed his time with the kids just as much!
E.R. is totally okay with the pets now. In fact, she came to get me, very excited, and led me to her room. We got down on the floor and looked under her crib. She kept saying, "Killy, killy", and wagging her fingers. One of the cats was asleep (or pretending to sleep) under there. E.R. was very excited, and checked under her crib every 15 minutes or so until the cat left.
She is also great with the dogs now. Our blind dog doesn't seem to know we've added another kid, but E.R. can say her name now, and doesn't appear scared at all. She has started to call our other dog Kaia, "ka-ka" - which means poop. I'm not sure if that is just the closest she can pronounce her name, or if she really thinks we've been calling our dog "poop" all this time. That would explain the funny looks, and not wanting the dog to touch her. Kaia is our dog that always sits under the highchair for meals. She is uncanny at picking out which kid is most likely to spill the most food. E.R. now doesn't mind if Kaia is under her seat, and I caught her tossing a few noodles over her seat to the dog today. That cemented their relationship for life.
Chris stayed home this evening with the younger three while I took G.J. to his game. I was pretty sick, but actually got to just sit and relax while I watched him play, which was nice. Hopefully Chris enjoyed his time with the kids just as much!
Day 11 - 6/2
Today was another hard day for E.R. We took the boys to school, and had a good morning. She is so cheerful in the mornings now, it is fun to talk with her. Seems like she has a new word every few minutes.
After we picked up M.C. we went for E.R.'s first well-child appointment. Chris met us there. E.R. was not interested in being examined in any way - that includes being weighed! She had her shots, and then Chris took her in for her blood draw. It was a total nightmare. I can imagine how hard she fought after yesterday's X-rays. They couldn't find a vein in the first arm, then couldn't get enough blood in the second arm. Meaning - she has to go back in! I don't know if I've ever seen her that excited to get back into the van!
It is going to be tough to have this kid hospitalized...
E.R. was a bit more clingy than usual during the evening, but overall seemed to recover from the trauma pretty quickly. She is a survivor.
After we picked up M.C. we went for E.R.'s first well-child appointment. Chris met us there. E.R. was not interested in being examined in any way - that includes being weighed! She had her shots, and then Chris took her in for her blood draw. It was a total nightmare. I can imagine how hard she fought after yesterday's X-rays. They couldn't find a vein in the first arm, then couldn't get enough blood in the second arm. Meaning - she has to go back in! I don't know if I've ever seen her that excited to get back into the van!
It is going to be tough to have this kid hospitalized...
E.R. was a bit more clingy than usual during the evening, but overall seemed to recover from the trauma pretty quickly. She is a survivor.
Day 10 - 6/1
Today was a big day. The first thing we knew about E.R. was her medical need - that she would need treatment on her foot. Now, 7 months later, she would meet the specialist in person.
M.C. got to have the day off from kindergarten since I would be in Portland with E.R. He and J.T. spent the afternoon with their grandma, which M.C. was really excited about.
E.R. and I drove over to a hospital in Portland. She met people in the office there that had looked at her referral picture and given their advice based on limited information. She was a good sport the first 10 minutes in the waiting room. We looked at fish in the tank, we talked about her diaper bag, etc. and then she began to point to the door!
We met with a nurse, then a medical assistant. Then E.R. and I waited to get into the X-ray room. We talked about all the pictures on the walls, and about "baby J___" - currently her favorite subject. When we walked into the room, she looked around and then started to cry, which led to a scream. I soon realized that somehow in talking about little J.T., I must have unknowingly given her the impression that he was in the room. Ahhh! What I would have given to be able to understand her Amharic! The X-rays were hard. Four, I think. But we got through it. After that, she REALLY wanted to go home.
We went to yet another exam room, and then waited a long time. By now, she was really mad at me. She had several screaming tantrums, and even kicked me a few times. The doctor finally came in and we looked at one of her X-rays. He confirmed everyone's suspicion of amniotic banding. We talked about his recommendation for treatment, which is to amputate just her foot - that she is not able to use. He believes her leg bones are in good shape, so a prosthetic foot would be the best recommendation for full mobility. He is referring her to Shriner's Hospital for consultation and treatment. This was good news. We already knew that an amputation was the only way for E.R. to be able to walk, run, play, and do all the things that are hard for her now. As she grows, the size difference in her legs will increase, making walking more and more difficult than it is now. Sometimes it is such a relief to talk to a specialist. What seems like such a major deal, and really scary, is a daily event to them. He believes that she will be able to do anything she wants. This is what we want for our smart, brave, little girl.
The family all gathered at Chris' parents' house, and we had a good evening. She loves her cousins, and is enjoying playing in a little pool with them. And I started to picture her, hopefully a year from now, truly able to keep up with everyone!
M.C. got to have the day off from kindergarten since I would be in Portland with E.R. He and J.T. spent the afternoon with their grandma, which M.C. was really excited about.
E.R. and I drove over to a hospital in Portland. She met people in the office there that had looked at her referral picture and given their advice based on limited information. She was a good sport the first 10 minutes in the waiting room. We looked at fish in the tank, we talked about her diaper bag, etc. and then she began to point to the door!
We met with a nurse, then a medical assistant. Then E.R. and I waited to get into the X-ray room. We talked about all the pictures on the walls, and about "baby J___" - currently her favorite subject. When we walked into the room, she looked around and then started to cry, which led to a scream. I soon realized that somehow in talking about little J.T., I must have unknowingly given her the impression that he was in the room. Ahhh! What I would have given to be able to understand her Amharic! The X-rays were hard. Four, I think. But we got through it. After that, she REALLY wanted to go home.
We went to yet another exam room, and then waited a long time. By now, she was really mad at me. She had several screaming tantrums, and even kicked me a few times. The doctor finally came in and we looked at one of her X-rays. He confirmed everyone's suspicion of amniotic banding. We talked about his recommendation for treatment, which is to amputate just her foot - that she is not able to use. He believes her leg bones are in good shape, so a prosthetic foot would be the best recommendation for full mobility. He is referring her to Shriner's Hospital for consultation and treatment. This was good news. We already knew that an amputation was the only way for E.R. to be able to walk, run, play, and do all the things that are hard for her now. As she grows, the size difference in her legs will increase, making walking more and more difficult than it is now. Sometimes it is such a relief to talk to a specialist. What seems like such a major deal, and really scary, is a daily event to them. He believes that she will be able to do anything she wants. This is what we want for our smart, brave, little girl.
The family all gathered at Chris' parents' house, and we had a good evening. She loves her cousins, and is enjoying playing in a little pool with them. And I started to picture her, hopefully a year from now, truly able to keep up with everyone!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Day 9 - 5/31
Today was Sunday and Chris and I decided to try making it to church. The boys had a great time since our children's pastor's husband had created a hovercraft and was giving rides in the parking lot. Not sure how many times my boys went through the line, but it was many.
J.T. did pretty well in my Moby wrap - which has been so helpful. He still can't hold his head up, so the newborn hold has been perfect for him. E.R. was very warmly greeted by everyone, and she did great with the attention.
In planning this adoption, Chris and I had originally planned to heed the attachment experts' advice of staying home for a month or so, and keeping things very simple, to let her adjust to everything. But this kid is very social, from a very social culture. Her language skills are excellent evidence of the difference in her orphanage and country, and so many other childrens'. She is used to being around people, and interacting, and being loved. She craves time with other kids. So while we are definitely careful and sensitive to her need to attach to us as her parents, we also know that this kid is different from many who come from institutions overseas. It was fun to have everyone meet her after talking about her for so long. I couldn't have felt she was more welcomed!
We stayed home the rest of the afternoon, trying to get through the heat. Today was a good day.
J.T. did pretty well in my Moby wrap - which has been so helpful. He still can't hold his head up, so the newborn hold has been perfect for him. E.R. was very warmly greeted by everyone, and she did great with the attention.
In planning this adoption, Chris and I had originally planned to heed the attachment experts' advice of staying home for a month or so, and keeping things very simple, to let her adjust to everything. But this kid is very social, from a very social culture. Her language skills are excellent evidence of the difference in her orphanage and country, and so many other childrens'. She is used to being around people, and interacting, and being loved. She craves time with other kids. So while we are definitely careful and sensitive to her need to attach to us as her parents, we also know that this kid is different from many who come from institutions overseas. It was fun to have everyone meet her after talking about her for so long. I couldn't have felt she was more welcomed!
We stayed home the rest of the afternoon, trying to get through the heat. Today was a good day.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
reflections on our first week
E.R. has been home with us one week now. I wanted to write about our first two weeks because I have followed many people's adoption journeys on their blogs, and then when their child came home, I was so curious to read how they were all doing. Seems the vast majority of people disappear for awhile as everyone adjusts. I now understand why! It is too fresh, too personal, too confusing, and some parts are too painful to share with the world. I decided that I would share what I could with about a week to process our journey so I could write with a tiny bit of perspective.
Toddler adoption is hard! E.R. is truly a toddler. She wants to do things herself, thinks hearing "no" cramps her agenda and creativity, yet her reasoning skills are not developed yet. It is a hard age under any circumstances. But then, for her, she is also just figuring out who we are. She is learning what our facial expressions mean, what the tones of our voices mean, if we are safe. All the things other toddlers learn gradually as infants. She is flooded with all of this catch-up attachment work that she desperately needs to be the toddler she deserves to be. That's challenging for her and for us.
The other challenge for E.R. is that she had constriction bands when she was developing in her birth mom's uterus. This is a totally random thing and no one really knows why it happens. She has several marks from it, but the most serious one is that her left foot wasn't able to develop properly. It looks a bit like club foot, but her foot is very small, without bone structure. So E.R.'s foot is on the side of her leg, and she walks on the end of her bone. This makes her very special to us. It is an integral part of the path that intersected her life with ours.
I haven't written about this yet, because I wanted to wait until she was here, so it is only part of her story - our story. This next week she will finally meet the specialist that consulted with us on her referral. We want more than anything to do what is best for her, and her life and heart will always be central in our decisions. I say this because I am still not sure how much info I am comfortable sharing publicly about this part of her adoption. I want to be open and hopefully helpful to others that may be considering a similar path. Yet I want to respect our daughter and know that she hasn't chosen to be a spokesperson for this part of her life. Also, I am not interested in anyone judging our family and the decisions we need to make. Trust that we will do what we feel God wants us to do and that we will be working with specialists to guide us.
So this week we worked on: eating new foods, taking naps and sleeping at night, riding in a carseat, riding in a stroller, NOT screaming for 20 minutes if a parent needs to put her down, warming up to cats and dogs, talking, walking, singing, dancing, and lots of giggling. And she REALLY likes to brush her teeth.
It has been an amazing week! At this point I am nervous because the screaming is definitely increasing. I don't know if this is something we will work through in 6 days, 6 weeks, or 6 months. I am praying hard it is not 6 years!
As I look back it has been amazing to ride this journey with her. Her first few days here in our home, she didn't speak, or walk. She crawled and watched us. As the days went by, and she became more comfortable, she started talking and walking. In a way it was actually like getting to experience some of her first 2 years on super-speed.
She is definitely beginning to love us, and to feel loved. She is kind, so funny, gutsy, super smart, strong (in will, heart, and body), and gives the best toddler hugs (with a little back-patting) that I can ever remember getting. She has come so far this week, I am so excited to see what the next week holds!
Thank you for sharing this adoption with us...
Toddler adoption is hard! E.R. is truly a toddler. She wants to do things herself, thinks hearing "no" cramps her agenda and creativity, yet her reasoning skills are not developed yet. It is a hard age under any circumstances. But then, for her, she is also just figuring out who we are. She is learning what our facial expressions mean, what the tones of our voices mean, if we are safe. All the things other toddlers learn gradually as infants. She is flooded with all of this catch-up attachment work that she desperately needs to be the toddler she deserves to be. That's challenging for her and for us.
The other challenge for E.R. is that she had constriction bands when she was developing in her birth mom's uterus. This is a totally random thing and no one really knows why it happens. She has several marks from it, but the most serious one is that her left foot wasn't able to develop properly. It looks a bit like club foot, but her foot is very small, without bone structure. So E.R.'s foot is on the side of her leg, and she walks on the end of her bone. This makes her very special to us. It is an integral part of the path that intersected her life with ours.
I haven't written about this yet, because I wanted to wait until she was here, so it is only part of her story - our story. This next week she will finally meet the specialist that consulted with us on her referral. We want more than anything to do what is best for her, and her life and heart will always be central in our decisions. I say this because I am still not sure how much info I am comfortable sharing publicly about this part of her adoption. I want to be open and hopefully helpful to others that may be considering a similar path. Yet I want to respect our daughter and know that she hasn't chosen to be a spokesperson for this part of her life. Also, I am not interested in anyone judging our family and the decisions we need to make. Trust that we will do what we feel God wants us to do and that we will be working with specialists to guide us.
So this week we worked on: eating new foods, taking naps and sleeping at night, riding in a carseat, riding in a stroller, NOT screaming for 20 minutes if a parent needs to put her down, warming up to cats and dogs, talking, walking, singing, dancing, and lots of giggling. And she REALLY likes to brush her teeth.
It has been an amazing week! At this point I am nervous because the screaming is definitely increasing. I don't know if this is something we will work through in 6 days, 6 weeks, or 6 months. I am praying hard it is not 6 years!
As I look back it has been amazing to ride this journey with her. Her first few days here in our home, she didn't speak, or walk. She crawled and watched us. As the days went by, and she became more comfortable, she started talking and walking. In a way it was actually like getting to experience some of her first 2 years on super-speed.
She is definitely beginning to love us, and to feel loved. She is kind, so funny, gutsy, super smart, strong (in will, heart, and body), and gives the best toddler hugs (with a little back-patting) that I can ever remember getting. She has come so far this week, I am so excited to see what the next week holds!
Thank you for sharing this adoption with us...
Day 8 - 5/30
It was so nice to have Chris home on Saturday! The morning was a bit frantic trying to get everyone ready for the baseball games, but we made it to the fields just as M.C.'s game was starting. It was really too hot to have the little kids there, but I didn't realize that until we were already there. We made it through M.C.'s game with crackers and juice for E.R. She had several tantrums, all related to wanting something she couldn't have, and the heat, I think. J.T. slept well in the double jogger, which helped since Chris helps out with G.J.'s team. E.R. sat in the double jogger for the ride out to the game, but then didn't want to go back in until we left.
We were all exhausted by the time we got home. Chris and I were sunburned, but all the kids were fine. We had a quiet evening in the basement, trying to survive the heat.
While I was cooking dinner, E.R puttered around the kitchen. To my surprise, I heard her say a cheerful "Hi!" I looked down and she was talking to me! I hadn't heard her say that before, so I smiled and returned her "Hi!" To my astonishment, she said, " how are you?" I said "fine, how are you?" She replied, "fine" ( with a little trouble getting out the "n"). I can't remember the last time I was that surprised! I started to wonder how old this little kid actually is...
We were all exhausted by the time we got home. Chris and I were sunburned, but all the kids were fine. We had a quiet evening in the basement, trying to survive the heat.
While I was cooking dinner, E.R puttered around the kitchen. To my surprise, I heard her say a cheerful "Hi!" I looked down and she was talking to me! I hadn't heard her say that before, so I smiled and returned her "Hi!" To my astonishment, she said, " how are you?" I said "fine, how are you?" She replied, "fine" ( with a little trouble getting out the "n"). I can't remember the last time I was that surprised! I started to wonder how old this little kid actually is...
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