We have adoption news, but unfortunately, it is the sad kind.
In early July, Ethiopia let our agency know that the girl we were in the process to adopt needed to be adopted with her 2 older sisters (who had not been placed for adoption). This situation is happening to other families this summer as Ethiopia has decided to require agencies to seek out siblings not placed by birth families for adoption in an effort to allow kids to grow up together.
This decision has been on our hearts as we have made our move to Oregon this summer. These are beautiful girls, and I wish we could announce that we would be adopting all 3. But Chris and I, in consultation with friends, family, our Heavenly Father, and our agency, have come to the conclusion that these girls are meant for another family. We are sad, but feel peace with the decision that is right for all of us.
At this point we have decided to join the waiting list for a referral of a child younger than M.C. That feels like the best fit for our family. We pray for the girls that they find an amazing family in God's timing. We know He hasn't forgotten our hearts either. We wait in anticipation to see what He has cookin' up for us...
Melinda over at The Devenouges Family's Ethiopian Adoption Adventure has nominated me for the Diamond Blogger Award. I'm still new to some of this blogging world, but I know enough to know that I am really honored to be nominated! I checked out the other bloggers she nominated with me and loved their blogs. What friendly, supportive, eloquent, wise people there are in this blogosphere! I enjoyed getting to know them.
Melinda is such an inspiration to so many that I am touched that she thought of me.
So, in true blogger fashion, I am nominating some bloggers whose diamond-sparkle lights up my world:
Maria at Our Precious Jewels - for her faith, dedication to orphans, pursuit of God's call on her life, and encouragement to so many.
Lynn at Middle East Crazies - for her strong faith and loving heart that are so evident in her words.
Sharon at Hearts of Hope - for her honesty, encouragement, and leadership in orphan relief and adoption.
Rich at No More Counting the Cost - for his penetrating thoughts, vivid descriptions of Ethiopia, and contagious love for orphans. (this blog had more to do with my decision to go to Ethiopia than anything else)
Angel at The Voice of Adventure (you can't give her too many awards in my opinion :) - for her heart, humility, and love for others. Lead the way, my friend!
And to all the other bloggers who have influenced my life already, and to those whose path I will cross in the future.
This world is full of jewels!
I have loved the Olympics since before I can remember.
There is something so special about such an international event. As a kid, I would imagine myself 4 years from then, what my life would be like, and what the athletes would be like. Four years was so long and would include so many changes for all us.
I love watching new, young athletes starting their careers, at the same time that dedicated legends are ending theirs. Standing ovations for the amazing beginners, and for the "elders" (many younger than I am now!) ready to move to a new phase in life. Somehow, for me, it carried an important rhythm to my life, to everyone's lives.
It is fun now to share these games with my kids, as my mom did with me. To cheer for our country as we win, and to hold our breath as we lose. There is something so awe-inspiring to watch people who dedicate so much of their lives to their physical strength and abilities. To be honest, I can't really relate, unless I stretch their dedication to compare to how much of my life I dedicate to the things I care about.
So as the games end, I imagine where we will all be in 4 years, when the summer Olympics comes to us once again.
And then I came across this article. I am so thankful for stories of people like Samia Yusuf Omar and Abdi Said Ibrahim from Somalia. They rip us out of the comfort of our living room couches. They teach us so much about sacrifice, dedication, and character. To read their stories and what they've gone through in their country to be Olympic athletes leaves me speechless. In this country with stadiums, swimming pools, organized sports everywhere, and coaches looking for young people to train, it is hard to imagine what these two, and so many others go through every day to train in their sport.
During special times like the Olympics, we still need to remember the inequity in this world. To break world records makes some athletes the best in the world. I would never want to take any of their glory from them. But these are the athletes that had the opportunity to train and dream along a path made available to them. I'm absolutely sure there are world records that will never be made because the athletes without these chances are held back by war, extreme poverty, famine, disease and the devastation of their families because of all of these tragedies.
The Olympics are full of stories of hope and dreams, and the incredible attainment of goals in the face of adversity. The stories make us all feel like we have the ability to be champions - at something, anyway. But we must remember that the playing fields are not equal. We live in a world where some have meticulously cared-for playing fields, while some have only rugged, makeshift playing fields. And then there are our brothers and sisters who won't actually see a playing field until they leave their land and visit someone else's.
And athletes like Samia and Abdi should keep the rest of us humble, and should keep us focused on the international work that truly matters, long after the Olympic trials fade from our memories.
Yesterday, the boys and I traveled a couple of hours to see our 3 foster kids for possibly the last time. In several days they will be leaving their relative-placement to return to their mom. I normally don't write much about our foster kids to protect their confidentiality. But they are such a major part of my life and thoughts and "willing hearts" experience that I feel like I have to write something.
It is hard to say good-bye to kids who have shared our lives. We've changed their diapers, caught them after their first step, nursed them through serious illnesses, held their hand on the first day of school, attended parent-teacher conferences, all those things that parents remember about their kids. The difference is that we'll never be able to tell them about those experiences. They will return to the mother that gave them life, and we truly hope for the best. But they will have holes in their memories of childhood because all those experiences and memories will remain with us.
These particular kids were our longest placement. We took them on an emergency placement, agreeing to take the baby the day before they came. One of the girls and I spent over a year going to speech therapy, trying to help her become understandable. The youngest and I spent an evening in our urgent care pediatric clinic getting stitches in his chin. His are still the only stitches I have experienced with any of my kids. As I held him for the last time, my heart broke. I was really going to walk away from my baby! He really thought Chris and I were his parents. And in many ways, he really did feel like our son. As we prepared for them to leave us in July, Chris said, "it feels like he's the only one who didn't get the memo - that we aren't his parents". You can't explain moving to a new family to a 23 month-old. At least not when he's been with you so long he doesn't remember coming to your house.
I pulled myself together because in foster parenting we put on a cheerful smile so kids feel safe, even though we all know that things aren't okay. It always feels dishonest, like I'm invalidating the emotions screaming in everyone's hearts, but what else can we do? It doesn't help to tell kids what we really think, because they need some hope that things will be okay.
The look in the oldest's eyes hurt me so much. This is the one child in all our years who directly asked us to adopt her. My heart hurts for this bright, talented, wise girl who feels lost in this confusing world. I pray for God to surround her with people she can cling to when she needs them. I worry about all the kids, but my heart aches for her as I say good-bye. She is so brave in the face of so much she doesn't understand.
I am trying to believe that God's plan for these kids, "my" kids, is to return to their mom. The alternative is that our children's division didn't do what they needed to do, when they should have done it, and all of us, especially these 3, have been hurt because of it.
Today I am trying to release these precious kids to God's care. He will be the only one to remain in their lives. The 4 families that have sheltered them over the last 16 months, will lose track of them and move on. The kids will need their perfect Father as they try to figure out their family.
Our placement before these kids was a little girl that came to us at 9 months old. She also was our baby. Her mom worked hard on her recovery, and we worked to build a positive, supportive relationship with her. This little girl the 3 of us shared was a confident toddler when Chris and I took her to her mom and said good-bye for the last time. It felt so great to be able to facilitate her move. No workers, just the 3 parents who had shared this girl's life. It felt so good to feel like a link in a successful chain to get this kid where she needed to be. 14 months later, I felt like I got kicked in the stomach when I got the email that she and her brother (who we had also had) were coming back into foster care. The kids were separated, and our little girl is now doing great and getting adopted by herself. We lost track of her brother and her mom.
So it is with apprehension that we try to give our blessing to our kids' return to their mom. There are so many factors affecting the success of this family, that we can't help but worry. And if the email goes out for them, will any of the families they know be available for them? We can't know, so we can only pray. - For their hearts to stay open to trust and love. For faith to hold onto when people can't be trusted. And for hope to steady them when they can't see very far in front of them.
I am trying to let go, because there really is no other choice.
They will always be part of our family. I hope that God allows us to cross paths again. And once again, to be perfectly honest, foster care stinks.
Have you ever had the experience of feeling like you were right exactly where you were supposed to be? That all the events in your recent past had been working together to bring you to your present spot? "Promised land" might be a bit dramatic to describe this feeling, but I couldn't think of a better one.
We have been in our new house in Oregon for a week now. We had such an interesting and exhausting house hunt. Chris and I were in the process of buying another house, and I actually felt sick to my stomach every time we went there. It made sense financially to buy it, and there were things we felt good about there. So why did I always feel so sick? We went to see it one last time before going back up to Washington. Afterwards, we drove around really discouraged and frustrated with each other, and this whole move. We drove to another house we had considered and sat out front for a few minutes. Chris told me later he was really mad that I couldn't be happy with the house we were buying. He drove over to another house for sale around the corner that he remembered driving by before. As soon as we pulled up, everything started feeling like it fell into place. We met two of the neighbor families, and felt completely embraced into a very loving and fun neighborhood. The house needed a lot of work so were able to make an offer in our price range. We found a lender that was able to close in about 8 business days with a lower interest rate than we had planned. All of the strain and dead-ends that seemed to have become our life, dissolved that day as soon as we got out of the van.
We are here now! Chris and I spent the first 5 days working all day with short breaks at night to sleep. We've almost finished painting the entire interior. This place ended up having many more issues than we knew before we moved in, but somehow God has brought people to help for each of them. One of our showers actually leaked right through the floor. The plumber came and gave us the quote to fix it. (Which was more than we had!!). Then, he offered to sell Chris the part and show him how to fix it. Chris and his dad were able to fix it completely. We didn't have hot water for the first 5 days, and it took hours for Chris and his dad to fix the dryer wiring and vent so it actually worked. Chris and his dad pulled the deck off the second story the day we moved in. We knew it was shaky, but it was only afterwards that they realized how close to collapsing it really was. They have almost finished our new deck, and it is beautiful!
Our kids have more friends than ever. If you ask M.C. what his favorite part of living in Oregon is, he will say "friends". G.J. will say "everything but the carpenter ants (another surprise!). The funny thing is with all the projects and issues that have come up, we can't imagine loving a place more. We never thought we'd be as happy here as we were in our small town, but I think all of us are. We live in a neighborhood with a yard and a few trees, but we are also a minute from the highway. All the schools Chris will be working in are minutes from home - the one he is at today is only blocks away. - And Dairy Queen is just around the corner, so we are set!
Chris and I learned so much about trusting each other and really waiting to feel peace that we were where God wanted us to be. The house we had intended to buy, would have been fine. We would have fixed it up and made it work. But we had no idea what God had planned for us a few streets away. So many times in my life I spend my energy trying to rationalize and make decisions on what makes sense in my head. I know why I do it, because then decisions make sense. - To me and to everyone around me. But what I've learned (and just been reminded of) is that when we always only settle for what makes sense, we miss out on the amazing life that God has planned for us. When we play life safe and sane, we miss out on the incredible joy and peace that God intends when we trust him to embark on a different adventure.
And the other thing I'm realizing is that just embarking on the adventure is not actually the point. There are lots of adventures that aren't meant for us. I need to seek out the peace that each step is really for us. Because if life is only about adventure, then it will be exciting, but without peace, it will never feel like the "promised land". With this move, I am learning that more than anything I want to be where He wants me to be. I don't want to miss out on anything that my loving Father has in store. The older I get the more I'm realizing that if that is my intent, then so many of the dreams and adventures I had intended, I can let go of. Because if I step towards an adventure simply because I want to, or feel like I've earned it or deserve it, I will miss out on what He intended a few streets over. This life is about the journey and what we learn about life and love and faith along the way. So instead of spending my energy trying to figure out what things mean, or why they happen, I am finding freedom in praying for peace and enough light for my next step. This seems to be a season of letting go of my expectations, in order to be open for what I can't see around the corner.
Chris started his job today, the boys visited their new school, and I had a job interview. Now that we feel that this is absolutely where we are supposed to be, I'm curious what God has planned for me here...
Thank you for all the support and prayers during this huge transition for us! We couldn't be happier or more at peace. We feel like we have entered our promised land...
M.C. is intense. super-smart, funny, imaginative, and embraces life head-on. We have seen such dramatic changes in him during the last two weeks, it is honestly breathtaking. He has a kind heart and always looks forward to bringing new kids into our lives, but struggles with how to navigate the relationships and changes that follow. He longs for friendships, but sometimes feels lost with how to share that friendship with the other kid! He is the most physical kid I've ever met. He experiences life through his physical senses, although his brain is always working and processing at the same time. His emotions are intense, and we always know where he is at emotionally, although sometimes his moods change with lightening speed.
Matt was a big baby. He came out screaming and embraced his new life loudly. His birth was very long and difficult for me, but he didn't really seem to notice! He immediately knew how to eat, so unlike his brother. He actually gained a pound a week for his first 8 weeks, making him over 17 pounds at 2 months! He didn't sleep through the night once before he was 2 1/2, and we still find him in our bed often in the mornings to this day. He had breathing issues at 5 weeks and he and I went through an ultrasound of his entire heart. It was nice to know for sure that his heart was healthy! The breathing issues at the time were probably because he gained weight faster than his little lungs could grow! Although he did develop asthma later, and we had a couple of scary trips to the emergency room. He has rocked our world in every way!
I also did not feel an immediate bond with this little guy, but this time I was expecting it. I was so drained of everything in my body (including blood) that after he was born I really struggled. In the hospital room a day or two after his birth he was lying in the bassinet, crying, and I looked over at him and realized I could barely move. My body was still in shock from his traumatic birth. But there was no one else around. Chris had gone home to spend a couple of hours with little G.J. and it was just M.C. and me. I prayed for strength, and then told myself that it was my job to care for this baby whether I had the energy or not. No one else could give him what he needed. And if it killed me, I wouldn't let him suffer because his mom wasn't strong enough to birth him! So I willed all the strength in my weak body, lifted him out, and laid him next to me. That took all the strength I had, so for the next two hours I talked to him. I only had the energy to speak, so speak I did. I told him about everything. Life, the world, his dad and brother, his house, and what I hoped his life would be like. He laid there calmly the whole time, staring at my face, soaking in all I could give him. It was during this time, that my love and bond to him began to creep over me. I was too exhausted to feel anything, but I willed myself to do what he needed and deserved, and the love started to grow. I have often wondered if that afternoon is part of why he is always the most at peace when he is laying next to one of his parents.
M.C. is complicated and challenging. Chris and I have sought parenting help because everything that has worked with G.J. and all the foster kids we have had, does not work with M.C. Chris is a behavior specialist, and has worked in a tough day treatment program. I have been trained in 4 different parenting models (2 through my work), and settled on Love and Logic for our family. I have been a Love and Logic parenting class instructor for the last year, and I am honest with my classes. - I may be leading the class, but that is only because I have spent so much time learning how to use the techniques. I still struggle every day with how to parent my kids! I write all this because Chris and I are not naive or new to challenging kids. But M.C. is a personal challenge to us, and we often feel weak and really bad at this job!
Foster care has definitely added challenges to M.C.'s understanding of life. One evening his grandparents were babysitting and M.C. got in trouble. During his time in his room he opened a small jar of paint and poured out piles of it on his bedroom carpet. When his grandpa and G.J. saw what he had done, G.J. exclaimed "We have got to find him a new family!" This comment still makes me smile because it illustrates how different my kids have grown up from anyone in a non-foster family. But I also wonder how much of M.C.'s behavior is to figure out how far he needs to push in order to move away like all the other kids.
I really believe that we sometimes struggle the most for the most worthwhile parts of life. God doesn't hand us all of our blessings on a plate saying "here you go, I did all the work for you". The best marriages require intense work and constant upkeep. The most fulfilling careers are the ones we really work at. The most beautiful masterpieces of art were painstakingly labored over. So I know without a doubt, that this kid is worth it all.
Sometimes I just picture him in 15 years, and what I want my relationship with him to be. It helps me muster the strength to get through the tough days. He will do incredible things with his life. I know every parent considers their child to be brilliant, but in this case, I'm pretty sure it can be proven. His gifting is extraordinary, and I intend to be at his side! For all the scary times and tears that Chris and I have experienced in trying to figure out this kid, I honestly can't imagine life without him! He has brought humility, depth, and intense prayer to our lives! Watching him blossom in the last two weeks as he is realizing that he is secure in his family, and truly isn't a foster child, has been worth it all.
Before he was born I agonized and shed more than a few tears about bringing a vulnerable child into such a dark and dangerous world. I was working in the sexual assault field, and had no clue how I would successfully protect this precious child from everything that could hurt him/her.
He was born with his umbilical cord around his neck, and needed oxygen immediately at birth. Chris got to help with that, but I didn't get to see him or hold him until he was medically cleared. The next challenge we faced together is that he just couldn't get the hang of eating. We had 4 nurse/lactation specialists work with us, and I fought hard not to give up. I had to pump milk and feed him with a bottle every 2 hours (around the clock) at the beginning as he lost weight. In the middle of the night one night I was so exhausted that I sat on the floor to do the pumping, and after I was done, I realized I was so completely weak and exhausted that I couldn't get up, literally. I sat there helpless, hopeless, and crying. Fortunately my mom came to check on me, and helped me get up, fill the bottle, and feed G.J. At three weeks old, I decided to give breastfeeding him one last try, and tried "the last ditch effort plan" recommended by the hospital. He finally got it, and started to gain weight.
No part of his birth or newborn days was what I thought it would be. I gave up all of my expectations of motherhood and decided to just get to know my little son, who needed to do things at his pace and on his terms. He didn't start walking until 14 months, and we were all a bit worried. But then when he took his first steps he walked everywhere, and I honestly can't remember him ever falling. He didn't start talking until he was about 2 1/2. His pediatrician tried not to be worried, but did offer us a referral to speech therapy. To our amazement and relief when he did start talking, his speech was absolutely clear and in complete sentences! People commented on his vocabulary as a 3 year-old. We've discovered that this kid waits and watches until he is ready. And when he is ready, he is confident and strong in his new abilities, and then quickly exceeds any expectations we might have been secretly hiding.
I didn't feel an immediate bond with him at birth, and I'm not ashamed to say that. I felt protective, but I didn't feel like a mom. For me, that relationship comes slowly. It creeps over me during late-night feedings and sleep deprivation. It grows during the stomach flu and while I'm adjusting my parenting to fit all the "special" needs of my kids. For me love comes quietly and slowly and it took me awhile to realize that it is okay. G.J. became anchored so securely in my heart that my life lit up every time he entered the room. I am experiencing a bit of those emotions again now, and it feels so good to feel like our relationship is back on track.
G.J. had such a great time in first grade in our small town. He had the best teacher ever and left at the end of the year with an obsession with putting together powerpoint presentations. Yes, you read that right... He had a great group of friends and loved his basketball team. I am nervous for him to start over, and his school experience is something we have weighed with each house we have considered. I am looking forward to seeing him grow in new friendships. His sense of justice is familiar to his old parents, and his compassionate heart is a blessing to everyone around him. We are looking forward to seeing who he grows to be.
We have survived our first two weeks as a former foster family. It has been an amazing time of healing, re-centering personally, and as a family. We are getting to know our kids again, and they are getting time with their parents (who are much more relaxed and attentive!).
People often tell us, "I just couldn't let go of the kids. I don't know how you do it." After 8 years of hearing this, I've developed a response that feels right to me. "Think about all the kids you have encountered in your life. Would you want to parent each and every one of them forever?" I bet that everyone can come up with a kid they aren't super excited about - now imagine this kid lives in your home!
The truth is with foster care, we only get a bit of information (and sometimes it is really inaccurate!) and only moments to decide if we will take a child. We don't get a picture or profile or have time to do much of anything except figure out where they will sleep. So many kids are confused, hurting, and angry. Everyone can think of a kid they know that in their hearts they are relieved isn't their own. Now imagine this same child was driven to your house by a stranger and dropped off, and you're not even sure you are spelling their name right. You now need to care for them emotionally and physically, even though the challenges you recognize in them don't go away.
Yes, we have loved kids. But that love must always be tempered with the knowledge that there are no guarantees of anything in foster care. Changes can come quickly, and kids learn to accept "I don't know" to their hard questions. To promise them anything we can't guarantee is dishonest, and foster kids don't need any more reason to distrust the adults in their lives. We have always been "mom and dad for now", because the major decisions are out of our hands. But kids need somewhere safe to live, and we are proud that we provided that place for so many.
We make the most of really hard situations, but no, we don't get attached to all of them, and sometimes we feel mostly relief when they leave our home. I'm sure there is someone that would say this makes us callous and cold. I would only accept their opinion on my thoughts if they were a foster parent themselves!
In the last two weeks we have been watching our boys figure out their relationship together. They are now playing more than they are fighting. G.J. seems more secure and less whiny. M.C. is like a different kid. He is talking like a 5 year-old, and is only rarely displaying the behaviors that were starting to scare us. With great relief I am realizing that he is going to be okay. Our son has struggled to handle the complex changes in our family with every new kid he has shared his family with. We are watching him realize he is emotionally strong and loved for who is his. I think he is starting to feel secure in his family, and I hope our move will only strengthen his understanding that our family is forever.
We have been through so much together and I hope that, as a family, we are stronger for it.
We have good friends over at Our Precious Jewels that have shared so much of the last 10 years with us. We have been friends through so much of life and so many stages in our marriages and families. We share the same passions around what God expects of His followers in our communities and the world. They have encouraged and challenged us. Their faith is an inspiration to everyone around them, and the depth of their yearning to follow God's direction is humbling to witness. We have shared joy, tears, confusion, surprises, births, foster placements, and adoptions. I told Maria once I was worried that someday we'd have 8 kids each (and then we'd never be able to finish a conversation)! They are the kind of friends you hang onto because they have truly become part of our family.
They have the happiest news today and it makes my day to celebrate with them. They have been through a very long journey to adopt their fourth child. Many twists and turns, and 2 trips to Africa. The journey is almost over since the long-awaited passport is finally in my friend Maria's hands. We can't wait to meet this precious child whose life was saved by "willing hearts" in Ghana. I can't wait to see what God has planned for this boy, because I am positive it will be amazing...
We are so happy that he is about to come home!
The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind. Our house is set to close this Friday, so I am supposed to be packing right now!
Chris and I are now on our 5th house offer now, and we are so hoping that this one will work out, so we can move right after we leave this place. Yes you read that right - 5!
- One was a short sale that was pulled off the market,
- one was a back-up offer that was never considered,
- two we pulled out of because we knew they weren't quite right,
- and now this one...
Only 2 of the offers were on houses that we had actually seen! - The first and the last ones. Chris found a lender that was willing to help us close in under 2 weeks. We love the new house, the neighborhood and neighbors, and the area. But what a roller coaster it has been!
So now we are packing up our lives and trying to say good-bye to people that we have spent the last 13 years getting to know. We will miss this place incredibly.
I've applied for a couple of jobs, so we'll see what comes...
It has been almost 4 weeks since our adoption agency told us that the girl we are in the process to adopt has 2 older sisters that need to be adopted with her. That threw quite a wrench into our roller coaster summer. There has been much anguish and many tears for us. We are still waiting on their file paperwork to make our decision.
There have been other things happening here, but I've got to get back to packing!
Thank you to so many of you for all of your kind and supportive emails, comments, and phone calls. We definitely don't feel alone, and that means so much to both of us. I know that your prayers have gotten us through the last few weeks. And many of you have such wisdom I am honestly humbled to know you. I hope you have a blessed and bright Saturday!
