My December Gift

It's snowing this morning. We headed out to a friend's church to hear about some work being done in Africa, that I'm sure we will be folded into somehow. Chris has already been recruited by an old friend to play background guitar for a young singer/songwriter from Rwanda at a big concert in January. He also has a chance to go to Rwanda to play music next June. We'll see how things are going for us then...

So with the snow falling, and the kids outside playing, coming in occasionally for hot chocolate refills, I'm feeling reflective. Time to put words to something that happened to me a couple of weeks ago now...

I have wanted to adopt for as long as I can remember. As a kid, I would read the "Sunday Child" profiles in the Seattle Times, and imagine helping the kids I was introduced to. I always thought my kids would come from foster care. As our hearts changed after M.C. was born, we planned a trip to Haiti. The first mission trip Chris and I would do together. When I realized that M.C. was really too young to have both of us gone that long, I sent Chris joyfully, my jealousy quenched at the thought of my kids' needs. Chris had amazing experiences. At some point after that, our hearts turned to Africa.

With no money, and lots of kids to take care of at home, I started feeling a nudge a year ago that it was my turn. I made the trip to Ethiopia last spring. I fully believed it was the beginning of something for us - adoption, international work, maybe both. What I didn't get until 2 weeks ago is that among all those things that I was expecting, it was also a beautiful gift to me. Here's how I know...

I was at church, and my mind was wandering. (I'm sure that never happens to anyone else.) I had a vision. It wasn't a prophetic vision, or anything that I believe was happening at that time (since it was Sunday night in Ethiopia at that time). It was more of a mind-wandering, imagination-consuming, vision. Ever had one of those?

In my mind and heart I saw the orphanage director of E's orphanage make the walk from the orphanage/agency office over to the building that houses all the little ones. I saw her enter a BRIGHT blue room, smiling. She walked into the big baby room, where our little E. was sitting with a caregiver and some friends. Our orphanage director announced to all in the room that little E. had found a family. She said with a huge smile that a family had chosen E. and was preparing the medical help she needs. There were tears, smiles, and clapping as everyone rejoiced for E. It was her turn. Even though she doesn't understand, everyone else does. She is chosen, loved, and now waiting to go home. From that moment on, in the eyes of everyone caring for the kids, she is now not simply a waiting orphan, but waiting to go home.

As I wiped the tears in my own eyes, and realized that I was still at church and not in that precious room in Ethiopia, I had a new realization of the purpose of my trip last spring. In all my fantasies of what the adoption of my child would look like, never once did I imagine meeting them at an airport. I imagined a thousand ways that meeting would play out, and all of them were walking into their orphanage, and spending the day in their world. As a foster parent, I have lots of experience of that first meeting and helping a child feel safe. I love those first few days of placement as we are getting to know each other. So never once did I imagine those first moments taking place in an airport full of people. This was actually something I had work through when I found out I was pregnant. A few years ago, I probably would have insisted on going somehow, but this spring I was very sick for a couple of days in Ethiopia, and this summer two dear friends came home from Africa very sick for a long time. So my feelings have changed about the reality of risk to a newborn. I really questioned God's timing.

A year ago, I never would have believed that God would bring our new child while I was pregnant with another! So last spring when I journeyed to Africa, part of that trip was a gift to me. It was the ability to have the "vision" I had. I can see, hear, and smell her world. I know what the orphanage director looks like, how she smiles at special news, and what the walk feels like to the building where E. is cared for. I know what the rooms look and feel like. I know without a doubt how loved each of the children is, and how excited the caregivers would be at news of one being chosen. In my heart, I am there - at the announcement of E.'s future. And I will also be there with Chris when he meets her for the first time. All of these feelings and pictures in my mind would not be possible if I had not made that trip.

So months before I would ever know about this new baby, or of E., my Father was smiling as He watched me experience all I would need for the gift He would give me in early December...

There is now no jealously as I imagine sending Chris off for this amazing trip I can't participate in. I don't have to feel like I'm choosing between any of my kids. I know completely that God was working out the timing of all of it, the way He had intended, even if it wasn't how I always imagined. And my foster care experiences remind me that she will feel safe in our family, even if I wasn't there when she left Africa.

I love those moments when so much of the past now makes sense...