9 Years

9 years ago today, Chris and I began our marriage. So much has happened in that time, that I can barely remember that far back. I vaguely remember a wedding. I do remember Chris surprising me afterwards with an overnight to an island by our house before we flew to Hawaii. It was such a beautiful idea - but I was so exhausted from all the stress of the wedding week that I slept for 13 hours straight once we got there! Fortunately, we were well rested when we headed to Hawaii, and Chris turned 25 on the plane.

We lived for a year in a cabin Chris bought the year before we married. All 450 square feet of it - with 2 dogs and 3 cats! We didn't see much of each other since I worked days and Chris worked swing shift and played in a band. Then we bought a 4 bedroom house and took in our first kid - a 16 year-old, and I found out I was pregnant. Everything has pretty much been a whirlwind since.

Through it all, I can't imagine a better friend, husband, and parenting partner than Chris. He steadies me and slows me down. He thinks I'm funny and pretty, weird and difficult. The day I married him I knew that he would be the only one for me, regardless of how many years our lives hold - this was the love for my entire life. I love watching how much his kids adore him. And I wish I was better at showing him how much I adore him. He supports my interests and beliefs, and I've worked to support all of his. It took me too many years to realize that he needs to write and play music like the rest of us need air to breathe. I've let go of the jealousy and welcomed his need to retreat to the garage. I miss the studio we built at our old house. He loved having his place and peace out there. Hopefully one day we will build another. For now, recording equipment and music gear fill up our bedroom and the garage. And I couldn't be happier to share the space.

Chris has taught me so much. I've learned to love and be loved, and I've learned to rest in strong and sure commitment. I've learned patience - with others and with myself. Hopefully he has learned a thing or two along the way too. That sometimes you just need to dance, and it helps sometimes to just dive in and swim around in your dreams for awhile.

We have shared such deep grief at losing some of the kids that have grown in our home. I don't think there is anything quite as intimate as grief. It will either tear you apart from the inside out, or break down your walls and build you up together stronger than before. For us, those losses can never quite be described to anyone else. We have held each other while the tears flowed and our chests and stomachs hurt. We have shared the guilt of feeling like we are just another link in a long chain of broken relationships in a kid's life, or that we could have done things better while we had them. And we have also learned together to let go of it all, and trust that we played the part we were asked to. We've learned to realize that God loves the kids more than any of us could, and He is the one relationship that never has to be broken in their lives.

I love that we have the same values around living intentionally and raising our kids to think critically and love deeply. I also love dreaming together about what God has equipped us to do, and where we should take this family He has given us. We have shared so much change, and growth, and new experiences together.

But I have this sneaking suspicion that the best is yet to be...

Happy Anniversary Chris!