Dangerous Surrender - Chapter 2

I can relate to Kay's feelings of living in the shadow of her husband. I think it is easy to feel like the shadow of anyone in our lives that seems greater. Could be a sibling, a best friend, a spouse, or even a child. Anytime our lives seem consumed with holding everything together so someone we care about can do the things they love, or have been called to, can feel like living in a shadowland.

Kay says her feelings began to scare her. She writes of her decision to surrender herself to God's will, and what she believes the cost may have been if she hadn't. "Prayers of surrender have the power to radically alter the course of our lives. I have no doubt that if I had not decided to surrender - to take up the cross of self-denial - my marriage would have begun to deteriorate. I would have grown increasingly bitter toward and resentful of Rick, which would have led to friction and conflict. I would have seen him as an enemy to undermine rather than a partner to build up."

As I was thinking through what she said in relation to living alongside my own fantastic husband, I realized that her words also have another spiritual lesson. I know so many people who love God and served their faith communities deeply and sacrificially (including Chris and I). Over time, either burnout, slow-seeping bitterness over our sacrifices, or toxic relationships within the church lead us to disillusionment. We try to compartmentalize our feelings of hurt and anger and direct them to God's church and not to God Himself. But it is hard to separate them sometimes. We may feel we are standing in the shadows of what we feel God promised, or what we deserve after years of service. Our bitterness can affect our relationship with our Father slowly and quietly until we don't even realize what has happened. We could substitute God's name for Rick's in Kay's quote above. We find ourselves holding onto a thin thread of the faith that used to wrap around us. Surrendering to God's will and His promise that He will use all circumstances to His glory strikes me as the only path back. Letting go of the frustrations, and confusion, and hurt, knowing that we may never understand "why" in this lifetime, are essential to healing our faith and stepping out of the shadows.

Kay writes about Jesus' post-resurrection appearances with the disciples. Jesus tells Peter to follow Him, even if it means going where he does not want to go. Peter stops and looks back at the other disciples, and asks about them. Kay writes, "The next words are the ones that shattered my argument with God. Jesus puts an end to any potential protest 'It's not fair! 'You've got favorites!' 'You love him more than you love me!' He simply says, "Peter, if I want John to remain alive until I come back, what is that to you? You follow me."

No part of faith should include comparing ourselves to others. I also think we need to be careful to not compare our present circumstances to what we feel God should have done with our lives. We may look back later and see His plan unfolding, or we may never see the connections He is forming.

I love what she says toward the end of the chapter: "Following Jesus is to offer to him all that you think are, all that you really are, all that you think you are not, and all that you really are not - to be used in the way he chooses. It is stepping down from the throne in the Kingdom of Me and joining a new Kingdom - the Kingdom of God. It's following him, even when following makes no sense."

In order to be used in great ways, I think we need to spend some time sorting through what our surrender really means. If it is on our terms or only to the extent of what we understand or feel is fair, we will always be limited in what we can do. We will also be vulnerable to every stumbling block that lies in our path. So I think if our surrender is complete and "dangerous" as Kay describes, and we spend time making sure that it stays at that depth, then we will get out of our own way, step out of the shadows, and follow the path Jesus takes us on.

What do you think?