Fall

September is almost over and the time has flown by!

The boys started school, and it could not have gone better. We love it. G.J. was nervous the first day and after that he is back to himself. No more anxiety or sadness. He has lots of friends (although he can never remember their names!), and his teacher loves him. She said that no one would believe he was new because he is so settled and comfortable. HUGE sigh of relief!

M.C. is also doing well in 1st grade. He has the perfect teacher for him. He has also started soccer and really enjoys that. The first 2 weeks he got to learn how to lose a game. It's so hard to be a kid! He has a harder time feeling like he has friends than G.J. Usually he is a lot more liked than he realizes. He is doing better at home now too. We have a rough week here and there still. But overall this fall has brought good changes for all of us.

Chris is loving his new job. His school has about 650 kids, so there is usually something going on. It has a great staff and lots of involved parents. It is such a good place for him to be. And his commute is about a mile!

E.R. continues to grow (physically and emotionally). She definitely has her toddler tantrums. This girl has a temper! And sometimes I swear I can see a snotty 13 year-old in the looks she gives me when she can't have her way. But I guess I don't need to worry about that for awhile yet. Right now she is still learning what having a mom means, but overall she is doing great.

J.T. continues to be our large bundle of joy. He is so happy, and loves watching everyone. If someone notices him and talks to him, his whole face lights up, and his mouth opens wide like he is just unable to contain the joy at being noticed! He has a highchair now and sits with us at dinnertime. He spends most of his time staring in awe at whichever brother he gets to sit next to. It's like he's saying "I can't BELIEVE I get to be here with him!" It is so cute.

As for me, I'm settling into a bit of a routine with the little 2. I have some ideas of my future work, but for now I am really enjoying the chance to just be home. I enjoy all the little moments with J.T. and E.R. And I also really enjoy taking the older boys to school and picking them up. Last week everyone but me was sick, and it is so nice to just be able to look at a kid and say "yep, you look miserable, you're staying home", and not have to worry about which one of us would take the day off and how our responsibilities would get covered. There is more peace at our house than a year ago...

Thank you for all the prayers. We had a tough summer. One I hope to never have to repeat. (Too bad that isn't how things work!) There were definitely some dark, vulnerable times. I've never been that completely lost as a parent. Some days I had to fight an overwhelming urge to run away. The truth that kept me here is that I couldn't leave Chris to deal with everything on his own! Those were short times of despair, and probably part of my grieving process for the loss of the perfect,loving family I always planned on having. We are imperfect - sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes lost and confused, sometimes afraid about real or imagined things to come. My kids say things to me that I never thought I'd hear. But it is our job to catch them as they fall, hold them tight, and point them to the Healer and Comforter that understands them completely. As we entered this summer I would have told you I wasn't strong enough for all that was coming. But Chris and I clung to our Father, and each other, and we made it through wiser and stronger.

The love that we have for our kids is not the mushy, warm, glowing love that I always imagined and hoped for. It is the love born of battle - full of scars, healing wounds, and the deep loyalty that is only felt for someone who has seen you at your worst. The depth of love that comes after seeking and giving forgiveness is hard to describe. It barely resembles the love we thought we would find. But as hard as things have been, I wouldn't trade what we feel now for each other for what I thought I would feel as Chris and I started our family. Maybe now, more than ever, I understand a bit better how deeply I am loved by Christ. I suppose the love Chris and I have for our kids is much closer to that kind of love than anything else. For the first time we were honest with people about how bad things were, and because of that we found great comfort, advice, support and prayer that sustained us. And we are all doing better. I'm sure I can never say the worst is over, since I have no idea what is around the corner. But I FEEL like the worst may be over.

My life verse was so important this summer: "For I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:8. This was a very shaky summer, but my Lord was with us even in our darkest times, and the truth of His love and promise broke through our dark thoughts and dark days. I can honestly say I don't think we would have made it through intact if we had not had Him with us.

I love this time of year as we head into the holidays, and I am hopeful that this will be a season of peace and joy for our family...