Still Adjusting...

It has been so long since I felt like posting, that I'm sure that there isn't anyone left out there still checking this blog!

This blog has always been about expressing the thoughts I wrestle with, and hopefully encouraging others. Lately I haven't felt very encouraging, and haven't been able to put words to what I am wrestling with.

We're still adjusting to life in Oregon. To be honest, after the first couple of weeks, I've struggled with our changes. I've been working in an elementary school in a big district next to us. It is a tough job, and sometimes I'm not so sure what God is doing with/through my life.

Our decision to not pursue the adoption we had been working so hard on, felt like the right decision. I know it is the right decision. But lately I'm struggling with it. We have talked about adopting another child sometime in the future. As a former foster and prospective foster-adopt parent, there have been lots of kids we have considered adding to our family that have not worked out. We have grieved to varying levels many times. But this time has definitely been hard. I've seen pictures of the 10 year-old we thought would be our daughter in the last couple of months, and my heart doesn't feel like it is mending. I don't feel like I've released her to God's care. I would honestly still adopt her in a second if we could. Maybe there is another child out there, and at some point all of this will make sense. But at the moment I've got some honest questions, and my heart is still aching.

The other massive change that we've been adjusting to is a surprise pregnancy! We are excited, but spent several weeks thinking we may have lost the baby. I had the amazing opportunity to see this little one in an ultrasound 2 weeks ago. Our new little one is most definitely alive, and growing! So we are expecting a new kiddo at the end of April!

We miss our old community and small town so much. We knew it would be hard to leave. Chris and I both spent time in very community-oriented jobs and were very connected to social and mental health systems, as well as the state and justice systems in our county. I don't think this move would be so hard on us if we hadn't been so involved in our community. There is no way that we could ever feel as connected to our new community. For one thing, it would take the same amount of years, and similar jobs to feel the same way. But I also think the much larger size of this community prevents the same feel we are used to. We know this was the right move, but some days I fight an overwhelming urge to drive back up north and pull into our old driveway, or sit out in the backyard that we designed and worked so hard to make peaceful and beautiful.

So we are adjusting. Every day feels a bit different. We are grieving the loss of our adoption referral, which feels especially hard for me since I spent time with her and felt so sure about her. We are grieving the loss of our community and the home that we built and loved. We are rejoicing in God's surprise of a new baby, and marveling that we can never seem to predict His next move! And I'm now grieving a bit over the garage-full of baby and kids things that we accumulated over 8 years of foster parenting. We had EVERYTHING. (Chris was committed that we wouldn't bring any of it with us, and we didn't...) We also really miss some special friends and the relationships our kids had built as well. Starting over can never feel the same as spending an afternoon with friends who have weathered all kinds of storms with you.

So now we continue starting over. New community, new jobs, new school for the kids, new people in our lives, new church, and now starting over with pregnancy and babyhood, and accumulating all "the stuff"!

So I am still adjusting to this new life...