At home my heart is far away...

Three weeks ago today, I was saying good-bye to Ethiopia.

How do you say good-bye to kids that you don't want to leave behind? How do you say good-bye to a land of such beauty, depth, and pride? How do you say good-bye to a culture that you have only begun to know, but each piece fascinates you more than the last? How do you say good-bye to a country so rich in history and religion that it makes the U.S seem like an infant? You paste a smile on your face, hold back your tears, and keep going. What choice do you have?

You navigate the flights home with a peaceful confidence that is different than when you left. The flight attendants mistake you for the adoptive mom of the beautiful girl next to you, while you smile sheepishly and direct their questions to her beautiful Ethiopian-American mom across the aisle. You are glad that this girl travels with her family, while you find yourself wishing that one of many waiting orphans in Ethiopia was in the seat next to you, their passport with your last name tucked firmly in your bag.

You fly home, your kids run at you in the airport, knocking you over, and sweep you back into your life. You go back to life as you knew it. You are glad to be back, it was hard to leave them. Yet your heart is often so far away...

I find myself drifting a bit day to day. My restlessness is different than before. It has less intensity, as I find myself trying to grasp what my next steps are to be. I am certain of less in my life. I am open to my Father in a different way. My prayer is different. He was so present in Ethiopia. I find Him still present here with me, but it is harder to feel His presence around me. I have ideas of what I'd like to do to help, and then so many feelings without a plan to put them to. I am changed in ways I can't wrap my head around yet. I have new desires as I find my heart changing. Things matter so much less to me. And some things matter so much more.

Chris and I talk more about moving, adoption, international work, priorities and values than we did a month ago. We are feeling led to some decisions, while some still elude us. I knew that this trip would change me, but I expected it to look more like the culture shock I experienced years ago after visiting developing countries. This is different. There is a stirring in me that surprises me. Maybe Hanna's faith has rubbed off on me. I'm feeling so much more like there is a space for me to make a difference. I don't feel hopeless at the mountains in front of me as I have in the past. I feel driven in a quiet, settled way. Like there is power in my faith and dreams that wasn't there before. Maybe it is just that my dreams are now aligning with what I was made to do.

If you can identify with any of what I'm writing then I invite you to join my friend Angel's online book club with me. We are going to read through Dangerous Surrender by Kay Warren. It is about her journey from American mom to caring and then intervening in the international world of pain that we live in. She inspires, challenges, and helps us find our own journey outside of the comfortable life we have carved out for ourselves. So if you are also feeling stirred and looking for your next step, take this one with me.

Angel's bog is: www.thevoiceofadventure.blogspot.com. They've already started, so we'd better get going...