We have survived our first two weeks as a former foster family. It has been an amazing time of healing, re-centering personally, and as a family. We are getting to know our kids again, and they are getting time with their parents (who are much more relaxed and attentive!).
People often tell us, "I just couldn't let go of the kids. I don't know how you do it." After 8 years of hearing this, I've developed a response that feels right to me. "Think about all the kids you have encountered in your life. Would you want to parent each and every one of them forever?" I bet that everyone can come up with a kid they aren't super excited about - now imagine this kid lives in your home!
The truth is with foster care, we only get a bit of information (and sometimes it is really inaccurate!) and only moments to decide if we will take a child. We don't get a picture or profile or have time to do much of anything except figure out where they will sleep. So many kids are confused, hurting, and angry. Everyone can think of a kid they know that in their hearts they are relieved isn't their own. Now imagine this same child was driven to your house by a stranger and dropped off, and you're not even sure you are spelling their name right. You now need to care for them emotionally and physically, even though the challenges you recognize in them don't go away.
Yes, we have loved kids. But that love must always be tempered with the knowledge that there are no guarantees of anything in foster care. Changes can come quickly, and kids learn to accept "I don't know" to their hard questions. To promise them anything we can't guarantee is dishonest, and foster kids don't need any more reason to distrust the adults in their lives. We have always been "mom and dad for now", because the major decisions are out of our hands. But kids need somewhere safe to live, and we are proud that we provided that place for so many.
We make the most of really hard situations, but no, we don't get attached to all of them, and sometimes we feel mostly relief when they leave our home. I'm sure there is someone that would say this makes us callous and cold. I would only accept their opinion on my thoughts if they were a foster parent themselves!
In the last two weeks we have been watching our boys figure out their relationship together. They are now playing more than they are fighting. G.J. seems more secure and less whiny. M.C. is like a different kid. He is talking like a 5 year-old, and is only rarely displaying the behaviors that were starting to scare us. With great relief I am realizing that he is going to be okay. Our son has struggled to handle the complex changes in our family with every new kid he has shared his family with. We are watching him realize he is emotionally strong and loved for who is his. I think he is starting to feel secure in his family, and I hope our move will only strengthen his understanding that our family is forever.
We have been through so much together and I hope that, as a family, we are stronger for it.
3 comments:
Hi Carrie! We have been a foster family for the past 12 years and I totally agree with you- some we attach to stronger than others..some not at all and that doesn't mean you are not providing loving, safe care- it just means that the behaviors of the child make attachment very difficult or impossible during the time they are with you. Sometimes it is a great relief, even though always sad, that the child moves out of our home. We have also been blessed to adopt two of our children out of foster care and they are precious. I always hear the same thing "I could never be a foster parent because I couldn't say goodbye." I always say then "YOU should be a foster parent because that is what these kids need...someone that will attach and be sad when they leave"...I think many times it is an excuse some people use to justify not doing it...and then there are those that truly believe they will develop a strong attachment to every child that walks thru their door. Foster parenting is one of the toughest but most rewarding roles if we are willing. Thank you for providing 8 years of very valuable service to our kids and community!
Linda
Linda,
Couldn't have said it better myself. I love your response to the same comment! I agree it is usually an excuse... 12 years is a long time, my friend, you deserve an even bigger thank you! Without foster parents, our broken system would fall to the ground in a painful heap. I think foster parents hold up the system so that our kids don't get crushed underneath the rubble. I'm sure you know what I mean! Thank you for standing in the gap for kids!
--Carrie
Hi Carrie, I know your world must seem crazy right now with all the changes. Hold fast to your hubby and boys. Moving to new places has always been good for our family. Since we don't have any friends or obligations we spend lots of good time together.
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